10 Things To Stop Saying to Single People

So far, I have been single for the entire duration of my twenties, and people are frequently offering me bits of encouragement and advice. I know that most people are coming from a well-meaning place, but often the things people say and ask are not really encouraging. I often feel discouraged, or I feel like I have to defend myself, or convince people that I REALLY am happy!! So these are just a few things that I wish people would stop saying.

1. "I just KNOW that there is someone out there for you!"

Actually you don’t know. You might hope and pray, just as I do, but you don’t know. Even I don’t know. God never promised any of us husbands. He promised me a future, He promised to work all things out for my good, He promised to never leave me or forsake me, but He never promised me a husband. I cling to those promises when I am feeling discouraged. I remind myself that my future might not have a husband in it, and if not, I’ll be ok. I’ll be ok because my God loves me and He has great plans for me. So when you tell me that you KNOW that someone is out there for me, you are not encouraging me to trust in the Lord. You’re encouraging to trust in a desire that I have for my life, which might not be in God’s plan.


2. "You just need to put yourself out there!"

Where exactly should I be putting myself? There are very limited venues for young women to meet men, especially if you’re looking for a solid Christian man. I am very involved in my church, I have several circles of friends that I regularly engage in social activities with, and in my spare time, I do things that I enjoy! I have a life! Beyond this and online dating, which I will address later, there aren’t really any other ways to “put myself out there.” Besides, I want to meet someone in a natural setting and go from there. When people tell me that I need to put myself out there, I feel like I have to defend myself. It’s like I have to justify why I’m not in some sort of singles club every night of the week, even though I claim that I want to get married. 


3. "How could you possibly be single?" or "You're such a great catch!"

The answer to the question “how could you possibly be single,” is simple: I haven’t met the right guy. I also think that it’s pretty obvious, and there’s really no need to ask. As far as me being a great catch, I couldn’t agree more! J I know that people mean that as a compliment, or they are trying to encourage me, but I always walk away feeling discouraged. I start to wonder, if I’m such a great catch, how come no one has caught me yet? That big WHY will stare me in the face for the next few days until I can remind myself that it’s not about how great of a catch I am, but it’s about God’s timing, and God’s plan.


4. "I know the perfect person for you!"

Let’s just get this straight right now. Just because you know a male who is close to the same age as me and is also single, does not mean that he is perfect for me. Nor I for him. I’ve always been pretty open to meeting new people, in an effort to “put myself out there,” but set-ups are often disastrous. There are too many expectations going into it, and it can make things really uncomfortable. I have a really great set-up story. I got left on the date… but I have to save that for another post.


5. "It will happen when you least expect it!" or "You'll find someone as soon as you stop looking!"

Ok, this is probably the one I dislike the most!! Both of these statements should just never be uttered by anyone. I think it’s in our nature to “expect” and be “on the lookout” when we are single. When we meet someone who we find attractive, we naturally wonder if there might be potential there. To suggest that this expectation or hope is what is keeping you single is absurd and illogical. Also, it is in direct contradiction with #2: “You just need to put yourself out there.”


6. "Enjoy your freedom while you have it!" or "Being single is so fun!"

Being single has its advantages. That’s probably why Paul makes the argument that it is better to be single than to marry. When you’re single, you don’t have to consider anyone else in your plans, your time, your life. To be honest, I enjoy being single. I am enjoying my life right now! But I do desire to get married and have a family of my own. Telling me to enjoy my freedom before it’s gone, makes marriage seem like an undesirable goal. As if you lose your freedom in marriage. I don’t believe this for a second, but again, I feel like I have to defend myself and my desire to get married, which might not even happen!! Oh the drama! Being single allows for a certain freedom that you can’t have in marriage, but marriage and children allow for countless lessons, memories, joys, triumphs, heartaches, love, etc. that you can’t experience in singleness. And yes, being single is fun, but I imagine that spending your whole life with your best friend would be too.


7. "You should try online dating!"

Online dating is so popular and well known that there probably isn’t a single person out there who hasn’t already considered the pros and cons. We don’t really need you to suggest it for us just because you know a girl who knows a girl who married a guy that she met on match.com. I think that online dating can be the right venue under the right circumstances, but at this point in my life, it’s not the right venue for me. And just because I’m not online, does not mean that I’m not putting myself out there!


8. "Guys are just intimidated by you."

Well they need to just get over that.


9. "You don't need a guy to make you happy."

Every time I hear this I shudder. This statement is true, and I believe it wholeheartedly, but I am not encouraged when people say this to me. I AM happy without a guy! So when someone says this, I know they are assuming that I am not happy without a guy. Again, I must defend myself! I must assure everyone how happy I am and I must convince them that I’m not just saying it because I want to hide how truly sad I am that I don’t have a boyfriend. BLAH! Hopefully, if anyone knows me at all, they will know beyond a doubt that I am truly happy. My joy comes from the Lord, not from the fulfillment of an earthly desire.


10. "You're too picky!" or "Your standards are too high!"

I use to think that the worst thing that could ever happen to me was that I would end up alone. Now, I know that one of the worst things that could happen to me is ending up with the wrong person. I would much rather live my life being single, than settle for someone who isn’t right for me. So I think my standards are just fine right where they are.