This may come to a surprise to you (NOT), but I am a complete control freak. If I lived in a perfect world, everything would be planned by me and everything would go according to the plan. I would also like to be able to predict the future so that I can face each moment confidently knowing that I have prepared for each detail of the day. I hope I don't sound too crazy right now.
Fortunately for me, the one who does control the world is God, and everything goes according to His plan... I just never know what it is. This whole planning, controlling, predicting the future thing has been a sort of theme in my life. Trusting God completely and resting in Him with the knowledge that He has better plans for me than I could ever have for myself has always been in my head, but not so much in my heart. ["For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13] My heart has held onto the need to control my environment, my calendar, my relationships, and my life because I find security in control.
Here's the tricky thing about being a control freak. On the outside you look pretty good. I am very organized and punctual. I have good time management skills and I am very good at prioritizing. I maintained a 4.0 in high school and college. None of these are bad things. But when I evaluate the motive behind my actions, qualities, and characteristics, I find something dark. Control gives me comfort and security. I know that I cannot control everything, so I control the small things. But in reality those small things control me.
True comfort and true security come from Christ. It is through Him alone that I can be secure in my future, and comfort flows out of Him and into me. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 says, " Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ." There are numerous passages from the Bible that explain and demonstrate the security we have in Christ.
Psalm 55: 22 Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.
Psalm 73: 26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm 46: 1-2 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.
John 14: 27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
1 Peter 5: 6-7 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Over the last year and a half or so God has shaken up my life and revealed Himself in ways that have finally gotten me to understand this truth. I have finally begun to release the control that I foolishly believed I had on my life, and God has changed my life in huge ways. I want to share all these changes, but that would make for the world's longest blog so I will have to split it up and share them individually. The more I examine my heart, the more areas I see that God has changed and is changing, so who knows how long this might continue! Just a sneak peak at a few of the things God has changed: I quit my job after 7 years and now have a job I never considered having, I work at a camp I never thought I would work at, my "great career plan" is now unknown, I have changed churches AGAIN, my relationship with my brother has been restored, I am the President of my sorority, I have less stress now than ever before, and I'm still single (yes, I know that is not a change, but it is relevant. I promise.).
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